Monday, July 31, 2006

Give France Back to Germany

So, did y'all hear the latest bit of wisdom to be spouted out by a representative of the French government?


"In the region there is of course a country such as Iran – a great country, a great people and a great civilization which is respected and which plays a stabilizing role in the region,"

French Foreign Minister Philippe Douste-Blazy in Beirut on July 31, 2006.

Now, when he said these things earlier today, Monsieur Douste-Blazy might have been overlooking Iran's sponsorship of Islamic terrorism as embodied by Hizballah in Lebanon, a group which has subjected "a friend of France" (a.k.a. one of many screwed-up former French colonies) to ruin and destabilized the region once more.

To read
Douste-Blazy's comments and then read the following comments by President Ahmadinejad of Iran, recorded for posterity over the last nine months or so (including one, second to last, this past week), is to see that his comments are yet another, dangerous French delusion:

“Anybody who recognizes Israel will burn in the fire of the Islamic nation's fury.”

Our dear Imam said that the occupying regime (Israel) must be wiped off the map and this was a very wise statement.”

“The Zionist regime is a decaying and crumbling tree that will fall with a storm.”

“He who sows the wind will reap a hurricane and this will be a very strong storm in the whole Middle East region, which will strike painfully…”

“We thank God that our enemies are idiots.”

Yeah, them Iranians have a right mighty stabilizin' role in this here Mideast...not.

Those idiots, the French, don't know when to shut up. The French are destabilizing enough as it is.

Enough is enough.

I've thought long and hard about all this, and figured out a solution to the enigma of the French. One might call them a plague, though I'll personally leave the "frogs as plague" line for Passover. Moving on, this upcoming proposal of mine would likely solve most of the world's pressing problems, or at least pave the way for the many problems plaguing (whoops, guess I used it) this, our planet, to get solved more quickly than they normally would.

It first came to me in the midst of a fight my French ex-girlfriend, Sophie Chetrit, started with me way back in September 2004. I told her that if Germany took over France again we (America) would not come to rescue the French again. I know, it was stupid and inaccurate. So was the fight.

Saying what I said was inaccurate...but does it re
ally have to be?

No. In fact, what I propose would be something similar, but much less violent, than the surprise "Can I talk to you?" punch to the face Sophie had given me not long before I said what I said to (or rather, yelled at) her. What a soap opera that relationship was…

Anyway…my proposal?

The End of France

We took France away from Germany towards the end of the Second World War. We fought long and hard for it, but the Germans earned it just as much as we did, really. The Germans certainly deserved France more than the French then, since the Germans fought for it so much harder in 1940 than the French did.

So I say we give France back to Germany. Yes, that's right, let’s give Frankreich back to Deutschland. If the ungrateful sods in Paris, Marseille, Lille, Lyon and oh, what the hell
Vichy too – want to do anything they can to endanger international order, they don't deserve their sovereignty anymore. It’s not like they’ve really done anything constructive with their sovereignty since the Allies who didn’t lose World War II right from the get-go enabled them to have it again.

I say the French are ungrateful, yes, because hundreds of thousands of brave American, Brit
ish, Canadian (and Free French) soldiers risked their lives in 1944 and 1945 so that France - and Europe - could one day be free of Nazi occupation...and ever since that time, whether it's been their leaving NATO in the 1960s or praising state-sponsors of terrorism in the 21st century, they've proven quite well that they're just plain trouble.

They do whatever they can to obstruct their former liberators, and you can’t use the argument “Well, they helped us win the Revolutionary War!” with me, because the very first war the United States fought once peace was achieved with Great Britain was, you guessed it, fought against France on the high seas. They tried multiple times before the Civil War to split the Union, and very nearly recognized the Confederacy.

Though they reneged on paying back war debts to Ame
rica from World War One, they squeezed the Germans for reparations in the 1920s as revenge for the Franco-Prussian War in the 1870s – a war the French started, lost, and which resulted in the formation of the German Empire.

The French have never respected international norms, and for anyone who ha
s ever heard the French admonish the United States of America, or Israel, or anyone else on the need to respect international norms, well…this is incredibly funny. Sad, but funny. They restrict the ability of democracy to spread, and pay no mind to the needs of others.

Click on the picture if you can't see the "h" after "bus". How creative. It's why I took it.

The French are not simply “the French”, as John Kerry once said. They are incredibly selfish, self-interested; they're just too dangerous to be allowed to run around free anymore, as "French".

Thus, France should be taken over by Germany.

Germany isn't the same as it was the last time it owned France. It is a country that now has a right to be proud of itself, even with its dark past. It could be a fair and effective administrator of affairs in Frankreich. And, it could teach the former French a thing or two about combating anti-Semitism...which the current French just don't seem to want to do.

The Federal Republic of Germany proved capable, although it was at times difficult and costly, of integrating
West Germany and East Germany after the Berlin Wall came down and the
regime in the so-called “German Democratic Republic” fell.

"Wait," you might ask. "How can you give France to Germany? You don't own it."

Ah, yes this is true. Not so much a problem, though.

There are remedies to this particular state of affairs. Once again (see last blog entry), we need o
nly look to the 40th President of the United States for inspiration and a spot of humor, and the solution presents itself:

"My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." - President Ronald Reagan, August 11, 1984

(By the way, you can click on to hear this line for yourself. Scroll down a bit to find, and make sure you have Real Player for, this famous sound-check joke. The Soviets weren't all that amused.)

Change "Russia" to "France", soften 'em up a bit, and then give the Germans the go-ahead..
.and that's how to give France back to Germany. I said before it wouldn't be too is France they'd be fighting. The French can sucker-punch. I can personally attest to that. But as World War II, and Indochina (Vietnam), and Algeria (among others) showed...they suck at winning. The Germans would, as in 1940, probably be able to march right in once the French've surrendered.

It'd be so fast...blitzschnell fast...the French wouldn't have time to use their nukes.

Speaking of which, I’ll be honest with you – I trust the Germans with nuclear weapons more than the French anyway.
This is relevant, as the Germans would of course gain control of the French nuclear arsenal after any takeover. Since the French military isn’t really good for all that much anyway, French units could just be absorbed into the German Bundeswehr, a.k.a. the German Federal Armed Forces, or just be disbanded or, for the sake of preserving order (given the example in Iraq after that army was prematurely disbanded) turned into well decked-out gendarmes.

I think the European Union would be able to adjust fairly well to the disappearance of France. The absence of a French Republic wouldn’t fix everything about the EU, but with the outrageous farm subsidies demanded by Paris no longer forced upon Brussels, some major economic hurdles could be finally leaped. No longer would Europe be forced to hear about “dangerous Anglo-Saxon” conspiracies of one kind or another. Post-France, the EU could think for itself about the path it should take, since French manipulation would no longer be an issue.

There would be no need for discussions or negotiations on Germany gaining a permanent seat on the Security Council of the United Nations, as Germany would inherit France’s seat.

Not Everything Need Go to the Deutsch

The régions of Haute-Normandie and Basse-Normandie would remain outside of German control. America, Britain and Canada would split these regions of Normandy between them. After all, tens of thousands of Yanks, Limeys and Canucks sacrificed their lives on the beaches, fields and hedgerows of Normandy to get rid of the Nazi occupiers in June 1944. It would only be fitting that as the various regions of France became the newest states of the reformed, democratic Bundesrepublik Deutschland, one special area remained separate, under international administration, as a permanent reminder of the former French state’s military impotence.

The collectivité territoriale of Corsica, the island birthplace of former French dictator-emperor Napoléon Bonaparte and a région long simmering under French control, would finally get the independence Corsicans have agitated for over the years (unfortunately, often by resorting to violent means). International support would be needed to ensure that Corsu, the native language of Corsica, doesn’t disappear.

Back on the mainland, historic Brittany, which used to be a kingdom in its own right and is currently split between the régions of Bretagne (80%) and Pays-de-la-Loire (specifically, the Loire-Atlantique département of Pays-de-la-Loire – constituting the remaining 20% of historic Brittany, with the city of Nantes), would gain independence and international recognition.

As for Monaco, a sovereign country linked closely with France in a number of ways, Prince Albert II would no longer have any need to consult with Paris over who the principality’s Minister of State (head of government) should be. As there would no longer be any French citizens, only a Monegasque would be considered for the position of Minister of State (before 2002, the Minister of State of Monaco had to be a French citizen, but later Monaco’s Constitution was changed so that the position could be held by either a French or Monegasque citizen).

would, for the first time since the Treaty of Versailles in 1919,
Treaty of 1945, and the Agreement of 1963, be given the support to forge its own path.

The French départements d'outre-mer, or Overseas Departments, of Guadeloupe, Martinique, French Guiana and Réunion island would be offered independence, or if they so wished they could become overseas territories of the Federal Republic of Germany (necessitating a renaming of French Guiana).

Speaking of Overseas Territories, the French Southern Territories (also known as the “Territory of the French Southern and Antarctic Lands”, or Terres australes et antarctiques françaises) would either be directly administered by Germany or, in the case of Adélie Land, merely watched over in keeping with the Antarctic Treaty; while Germany was not a signatory to the Antarctic Treaty (which among other things banned territorial claims to the continent of – you guessed it – Antarctica), Germany would inherit the former France’s treaty obligations just as the Russian Federation inherited the treaty obligations of the former Soviet Union.

So to sum up…Corsica and Brittany would gain independence, Monaco would no longer be under the yoke of Paris, and the overseas departments would be given the choice of German statehood or independence.

Easing the Financial Burden

In order to help Germany shoulder the burden of integrating its newfound states in Western Europe, the United States and the World Bank would disburse financial aid to Berlin for as long as needed.


French would not be outlawed, of course, but discouraged, as German would take precedence over French in schools, on government documents, and so on and so forth. Germany would become, in effect, kind of like Switzerland...only bigger. And stronger.


No doubt, many French would vehemently resist the takeover of their country by the Germans, given the historic enmity between the two countries. This could take the form of terrorist attacks against German institutions and the defacement of American property. However, as there is a sizable (five million strong) Muslim community in France, co-opting the Mohammedans and carefully seeing to their needs could provide much needed stability in a vital demographic of the former French state.

Germany would be encouraged to refrain from neglecting the newest Muslims of Germany as France once did. As Germany has Muslim immigrant citizens of its own, it is possible that any official German methods of dealing with Muslims in the country would deal with those from France too.

An underground would likely emerge, and it is possible that a “government-in-exile” would be created. Of course, it will be important to remember in any case that the French will only begin to fight after they've been taken over, and then if - if - their country is liberated once more, they'll take credit even if they don't do much of the fighting.

In Conclusion

France has time and again demonstrated that it is not willing to play a constructive role in world affairs. While in its various forms the French government has extended aid to the United States and other countries, the times when France has acted antagonistically toward those who help her – sometimes even as they help her – far outnumber and outweigh the modern effects of past friendships. France has shown a willingness to consort with dictators more openly than other democracies (President Jacques Chirac has more than once referred to Saddam Hussein as a "personal friend"), and has a disturbing tendency to celebrate its own imperial, dictatorial past.

It is thus my opinion that France should cease to exist as a nation-state for the sake of all mankind. Certain areas, as shown throughout this, would become independent or come under international administration, but the vast majority of the territory/territories of what we know today as the “French Republic” would be absorbed by the Federal Republic of Germany. Germany is best suited to the task of absorbing its former rival, as it has experienced its own integration issues since the end of the Second World War and the Cold War. If anyone can keep the French in line and France in Ordnung, it is the Germans.

Moreover, this event would be for the own good of the French. Stability has never been a noticeable strength of the French nation-state, and the country’s stagnancy with reform is an example that is holding back the economic progress not only of France but also of the European Union. It limits the abilities of its own people to grow and develop as secure, self-assured people (that they are headstrong with little moral justification is already known).

Newly christened as Germans, the former French would learn how to combat the social disease of anti-Semitism from those who were once emblematic of what the most extreme forms of anti-Semitism can lead to.

In short, without an independent France the world might just be a better, safer and saner place.

In closing, how is it that I ever fell in love with, dated, or got engaged to, a French citizen?

Why did I stay so long with her?

Oh. Yeah. I remember why...because even with a disgusting cigarette in hand, she looked like this!

Damn the French!


A. Lenik said...

LOL!! Awesome, Jeremy! I could say my sentiments exactly, with the exception of the whole Sophie ordeal. Eloquently put and a damn fine idea!

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