"In the region there is of course a country such as Iran – a great country, a great people and a great civilization which is respected and which plays a stabilizing role in the region,"
– French Foreign Minister Philippe Douste-Blazy in Beirut on July 31, 2006.
Now, when he said these things earlier today, Monsieur Douste-Blazy might have been overlooking Iran's sponsorship of Islamic terrorism as embodied by Hizballah in Lebanon, a group which has subjected "a friend of France" (a.k.a. one of many screwed-up former French colonies) to ruin and destabilized the region once more.
To read Douste-Blazy's comments and then read the following comments by President Ahmadinejad of Iran, recorded for posterity over the last nine months or so (including one, second to last, this past week), is to see that his comments are yet another, dangerous French delusion:
“Anybody who recognizes
“Our dear Imam said that the occupying regime (
“The Zionist regime is a decaying and crumbling tree that will fall with a storm.”
“He who sows the wind will reap a hurricane and this will be a very strong storm in the whole
“We thank God that our enemies are idiots.”
Yeah, them Iranians have a right mighty stabilizin' role in this here Mideast...not.
Those idiots, the French, don't know when to shut up. The French are destabilizing enough as it is.
Enough is enough.
I've thought long and hard about all this, and figured out a solution to the enigma of the French. One might call them a plague, though I'll personally leave the "frogs as plague" line for Passover. Moving on, this upcoming proposal of mine would likely solve most of the world's pressing problems, or at least pave the way for the many problems plaguing (whoops, guess I used it) this, our planet, to get solved more quickly than they normally would.
It first came to me in the midst of a fight my French ex-girlfriend, Sophie Chetrit, started with me way back in September 2004. I told her that if
Saying what I said was inaccurate...but does it really have to be?
No. In fact, what I propose would be something similar, but much less violent, than the surprise "Can I talk to you?" punch to the face Sophie had given me not long before I said what I said to (or rather, yelled at) her. What a soap opera that relationship was…
The End of
So I say we give
I say the French are ungrateful, yes, because hundreds of thousands of brave American, British, Canadian (and Free French) soldiers risked their lives in 1944 and 1945 so that France - and Europe - could one day be free of Nazi occupation...and ever since that time, whether it's been their leaving NATO in the 1960s or praising state-sponsors of terrorism in the 21st century, they've proven quite well that they're just plain trouble.
They do whatever they can to obstruct their former liberators, and you can’t use the argument “Well, they helped us win the Revolutionary War!” with me, because the very first war the United States fought once peace was achieved with Great Britain was, you guessed it, fought against France on the high seas. They tried multiple times before the Civil War to split the
Though they reneged on paying back war debts to
The French have never respected international norms, and for anyone who has ever heard the French admonish the
Click on the picture if you can't see the "h" after "bus". How creative. It's why I took it.
The French are not simply “the French”, as John Kerry once said. They are incredibly selfish, self-interested; they're just too dangerous to be allowed to run around free anymore, as "French".
The Federal Republic of Germany proved capable, although it was at times difficult and costly, of integrating
"Wait," you might ask. "How can you give France to Germany? You don't own it."
Ah, yes this is true. Not so much a problem, though.
There are remedies to this particular state of affairs. Once again (see last blog entry), we need only look to the 40th President of the United States for inspiration and a spot of humor, and the solution presents itself:
"My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." - President Ronald Reagan, August 11, 1984
(By the way, you can click on http://www.npr.org/news
Change "Russia" to "France", soften 'em up a bit, and then give the Germans the go-ahead..
.and that's how to give France back to Germany. I said before it wouldn't be too violent...it is France they'd be fighting. The French can sucker-punch. I can personally attest to that. But as World W
ar II, and Indochina (Vietnam), and Algeria (among others) showed...they suck at winnin
g. The Germans would, as in 1940, probably be able to march right in once the French've surrendered.
It'd be so fast...blitzschnell fast...the French wouldn't have time to use their nukes.
Speaking of which, I’ll be honest with you – I trust the Germans with nuclear weapons more than the French anyway. This is relevant, as the Germans would of course gain control of the French nuclear arsenal after any takeover. Since the French military isn’t really good for all that much anyway, French units could just be absorbed into the German Bundeswehr, a.k.a. the German Federal Armed Forces, or just be disbanded or, for the sake of preserving order (given the example in
I think the European Union would be able to adjust fairly well to the disappearance of
There would be no need for discussions or negotiations on
Not Everything Need Go to the Deutsch
The régions of Haute-Normandie and Basse-Normandie would remain outside of German control.
The collectivité territoriale of Corsica, the island birthplace of former French dictator-emperor Napoléon Bonaparte and a région long simmering under French control, would finally get the independence Corsicans have agitated for over the years (unfortunately, often by resorting to violent means). International support would be needed to ensure that Corsu, the native language of
Back on the mainland, historic Brittany, which used to be a kingdom in its own right and is currently split between the régions of Bretagne (80%) and Pays-de-la-Loire (specifically, the Loire-Atlantique département of Pays-de-la-Loire – constituting the remaining 20% of historic Brittany, with the city of Nantes), would gain independence and international recognition.
The French départements d'outre-mer, or Overseas Departments, of Guadeloupe, Martinique, French Guiana and Réunion island would be offered independence, or if they so wished they could become overseas territories of the Federal Republic of Germany (necessitating a renaming of French Guiana).
Speaking of Overseas Territories, the French Southern Territories (also known as the “Territory of the French Southern and Antarctic Lands”, or Terres australes et antarctiques françaises) would either be directly administered by Germany or, in the case of Adélie Land, merely watched over in keeping with the Antarctic Treaty; while Germany was not a signatory to the Antarctic Treaty (which among other things banned territorial claims to the continent of – you guessed it – Antarctica), Germany would inherit the former France’s treaty obligations just as the Russian Federation inherited the treaty obligations of the former Soviet Union.
So to sum up…Corsica and
Easing the Financial Burden
In order to help
French would not be outlawed, of course, but discouraged, as German would take precedence over French in schools, on government documents, and so on and so forth. Germany would become, in effect, kind of like Switzerland...only bigger. And stronger.
No doubt, many French would vehemently resist the takeover of their country by the Germans, given the historic enmity between the two countries. This could take the form of terrorist attacks against German institutions and the defacement of American property. However, as there is a sizable (five million strong) Muslim community in
An underground would likely emerge, and it is possible that a “government-in-exile” would be created. Of course, it will be important to remember in any case that the French will only begin to fight after they've been taken over, and then if - if - their country is liberated once more, they'll take credit even if they don't do much of the fighting.
It is thus my opinion that
Moreover, this event would be for the own good of the French. Stability has never been a noticeable strength of the French nation-state, and the country’s stagnancy with reform is an example that is holding back the economic progress not only of
Newly christened as Germans, the former French would learn how to combat the social disease of anti-Semitism from those who were once emblematic of what the most extreme forms of anti-Semitism can lead to.
In short, without an independent
Why did I stay so long with her?
Damn the French!