Thursday, September 06, 2007

God, please fix the AC

Dear God,

Please fix planet Earth's air conditioner.

There are a bunch of people going around saying that the Earth is getting warmer, as if it's some strange thing rather than a natural process that happens every ten to twenty thousand years. But I know the truth, Lord. I know that you're wary of leaving the AC on for too long, like you did back in the day when you left it on, went on vacation, and came back to see that an Ice Age had overtaken your Creation.

I can't say whether leaving the AC on for too long was as bad as not fixing that sprinkler system, which as you know flooded the Earth for some time and led that drunk Noah to build an ark. Some say you let that leak slide on purpose, to teach us a lesson about the importance of water conservation. Be that as it may, you've kept your campaign promise not to flood the entirety of the planet again, though we had a bit of a scare with that tsunami a couple of years ago, not to mention the predicament of New Orleans. I'd like to talk to you about that last situation at another time.

But to get back to the point...Lord, we know we let our room get messy. We leave shit - literally - lying around, and if we get around to picking it up, it's often only after we see a half-naked Indian dude with a tear in his eye crying over what we've done to our home. And we're really not helping the situation by continuing to allow cattle to contribute what some estimate to be 25% of certain greenhouse gas emission from their asses; it seems to me that we should be focusing less on carbon off-setting, and focusing more on bringing about fewer cow farts in the world.

No, I'm not asking for a plague, like the kind you inflicted on the cattle of the Egyptians; I happen to like a steak now and then, so getting rid of the cattle is not something I seek. Perhaps a better ventilation system, one that ranchers and vegetarians could both get behind. Of course, this may involve slapping around a couple of people to get them to acknowledge the threat cow farts pose, but...but I'm getting off track.

I spoke of ventilation before, and this brings me back to my request for you to turn on the planetary air condition system again. God, I was born in a desert. I grew up in the desert. I actually like the heat, to a reasonable degree. But I'm really getting tired of hearing Al Gore warn us about a planetary emergency on the one hand, him being demagogic and all, and then on the other hand writing books about the assault on reason, where he lambastes people - usually Republicans - for using fear as opposed to reason to get his message across (basically, he criticizes people for doing the same thing he's doing).

Of course, it's not just Al Gore I'm tired of; it's the weekly, monthly, daily reports attempting to strike fear into the hearts of all humanity about global warming. All that aside...

All that aside, let's make a deal. You're big on deals, I know it. We can even call it a covenant, if you like. Of course, we can always negotiate on the terms of the deal as I propose it, but before it can be discussed, it needs to be proposed.

Here's what I propose, if it pleases Your Providence: You would turn the AC back on, and we in turn would pledge to keep our rooms a little cleaner. I'll even do my part, and make my bed on a regular basis (or as often as I remember to do it). Also, in exchange for You not raising our utility bills to pay for the increased use of the planetary air conditioning system, maybe we'd do more volunteer work down here, perhaps on behalf of Swedish supermodels, but also perhaps on behalf of people who actually need our help.

How does that sound? Lord, we really need you to turn the AC back on. Or, at least, cut the number of cow farts by...oh, I dunno, half of their current number. Let's see the liberals complain about that one. You cut the cow farts, maybe turn the air conditioning back on for a bit longer than you have been recently, and in return we exercise more, make our beds, and drink less Coke. See, God, I'm a flexible man. I know we can work something out.

Creator of the Universe, in the tradition of Moses, let us dicker. For the good of humanity, for the sake of the children, in the hopes of a better, less smelly tomorrow, let us - humanity - negotiate with You better terms regarding the use (and abuse) of planetary ventilation devices, our upkeep of the planet, and cow anus emissions (CAE).

Remaining, as always, a humble servant of Your Divine Providence,

Jeremy S. Slavin

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