Thursday, August 24, 2006


Heaven, the Universe (RSS News Service) – The never-ending rumors of the past few months finally became public reality on Thursday as the Supreme Chancellor of the Heavenly Council, God, announced his decision to revoke Islam’s “God-Fearing Religion Status” (GFRS) – effective immediately.

An angelic spokesman, speaking on the Lord’s behalf, stated “Our glorious Heavenly Father was deeply disturbed that Muslims could riot, burn flags, and burn down Western embassies last year when a Danish newspaper printed satirical cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad, but when Morgan Freeman was chosen instead of Bernie Mac to play God in Bruce Almighty, there ‘weren’t ain’t no freakin’ peeps o’ protest from nobody’. For that reason among many others, especially jihad, Islam’s ‘God-Fearing Religion Status’ is hereby revoked until further notice.”

When asked by journalists why God didn’t make this announcement Himself, the angel only said “The Lord is taking a working vacation at His abode in the Seventh Heaven.” When questioned further as to why God takes so many vacations during a time of widespread global conflict and turmoil, the angel said, “Hey, being ‘Ruler from Eternity to Eternity’ is a pretty tough gig, people. Have some faith in Him.”

Phone calls to mosques in Mecca, Jerusalem, Paris, Rome, Berlin, Vienna, Tehran, Copenhagen, London, Cairo, Amman, Rabat, Tashkent, Grozny, Khartoum, Kuala Lumpur, Detroit and Toronto went unanswered for hours following the Garden of Eden’s revocation of Islam’s GFRS, but imams around the world were expected to be already busy drafting sermons for Friday’s noon prayers, to be broadcast around the world and filled with denunciations of the Creator as well as praise of the Prophet Muhammad and his many modern, militant disciples.

Lay Muslims, angry with God, couldn’t wait until Friday to speak their minds.

“We reject this decision unequivocally. God doesn’t tell us what to do. We tell Him what to do. That’s the way it’s been for centuries. God says treat those of other religions with respect, we say ‘no’. God says ‘let the Jews return peacefully to their promised land, which I have given to them’. We say ‘Allah be praised, no, absolutely not,’” said a Muslim man in Rome, who spoke wishing to remain anonymous as he headed into a mosque Thursday afternoon. “Our Prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him), our Holy Qu’ran, and our respected imams have made it quite clear – God, Paradise and Earth answer to Islam, not the other way around.”

Leaders of the world’s other monotheistic religions sounded in on the decision, with Pope Benedict at the Vatican saying “We respect the will of the Father, who displayed such wisdom with His Only Begotten Son that we cannot but think that the Holy Spirit knows what He’s doing.” Meanwhile, the Chief Rabbi of Jerusalem said “God has spoken, but I honestly can’t say whether or not the Muslims will listen. They’ve been humming their own tune in opposition to the Lord’s for a while. That being said, until this matter is resolved and even afterward, we won’t turn away Muslims who wish to convert.”

Following a meditation session in Dharamsala, India, the Dalai Lama said “We’ve spent so long focusing on the existence of Islam that we’ve forgotten that Islam, in fact, doesn’t exist at all. Nor do us humans, really, or religion when you get right down to it. Even so, in light of Muslim suicide bombings and the past destruction by Muslims of Buddha statues in Afghanistan, I think that if true then God’s decision was quite just. Maybe they (the Muslims) will finally come around with this Divine pressure.”

His Holiness went on, “I think I speak for all my people when I err on the safe side, despite my beliefs, and say that we recognize and applaud this Act of God, but now implore Him to revoke China’s Most Populous Nation Status in retaliation for decades of illegal occupation and cultural cleansing in Tibet.”

Unconfirmed reports from Heavenly sources indicate that God is now considering imposing sanctions on Islam before too long, such as causing the oil reserves of Muslim countries to dry up until the religion’s adherents are filled with fear, awe and adoration of Him instead of Muhammad, al-Qaeda’s Osama bin Laden, and Hezbollah’s Hassan Nasrallah (among others).

Also said to be on the table is the triggering of massive earthquakes in Iran, coupled with spontaneous eruptions of massive, yet-to-be-discovered volcanoes in the country – with these possibly even forming at the locations of hidden bunkers where the Islamic Republic’s “peaceful” nuclear research is taking place.

Compiled from the Divine Wire Reports of my Ever-Active Imagination


Anonymous said... that's good satire!


Anne L. said...

LMAO Jeremy! Fantastic!

Avram said...

not bad at all!