You know what I find incredibly funny about people who hate George W. Bush? I'm talking about people who really hate him, not about those who just deplore his policies. Usually, these sort of people, when they regularly accuse him of craftily attacking our civil rights and systematically restricting our civil liberties, are the same people who at other times openly, gleefully question his level of intelligence, based primarily on how many mistakes he makes when he's speaking. They make him out to be both an evil genius and a complete nincompoop. They imply he is a simple man, a simpleton, for holding to his deeply-held religious convictions, yet they feel no shame in just stopping short of equating him with the Devil.
So I'm really wondering...which is it? Is President Bush a crafty demon, hell-bent on picking apart our Constitution bit by bit in a phased plan to completely destroy it, or is he the complete opposite, "Dubya", the embarrassing President of the United States of America, whose English capabilities are indicative of an inherent intellectual inability to carry out the duties of the office he was elected to serve the American people in? Is he the devious behind-the-scenes planner of 9/11 that some conspiracy theorists make him out to be, or is he a dunce forever stuck in a stereotypical frat-boy/cowboy mentality? Is he a wily aspiring quasi-monarch, or a dimwitted Chief Executive?
You see, I'm confused. Senator Barack Obama can screw up big time and say 10,000 people died in a trailer park after a tornado swept through it, and George Clooney later equates him to a "rock star", but President George W. Bush calls himself "the decider" - "decider" being a real word, meaning Bush used it the correct way - and celebrities, pundits and political opponents alike latch onto it, pillory him for saying it, adding it to their ever-growing collection of "Bushisms" (some of which are pretty funny). Can someone please set the record straight?
Well, until they do, I'll have a go at it (I'm impatient). Here's my theory, or at least a theory, as to how this system works:
When Bush-hating (as opposed to open-minded) critics accuse President George W. Bush of creating and implementing policies that, in their design and execution, obviously require the sort of mental faculties the Bush-haters are unwilling to credit the President with having, they're really attacking Vice President Dick Cheney - after all, they've always perceived that the Veep is the real "power behind the throne"; at one time, this might've been about Rove too. Only when critics make fun of "Bush 43", even if it be only for a grammatical flub or a choking-on-pretzel episode, only then is the criticism actually meant for the sitting President himself, on his own...unless of course the political criticism is by people who actually haven't surrendered their reason to blinding hatred.
As it stands now, while hardly definitive, that's the theory I'll stand behind. Why?
Because it's the only way I'm able to reconcile, at the moment, those two seemingly paradoxical lines of thought held by the Opposition. They say President Bush is smart and dumb at the same time. They say he's too Christian, too religious, and yet vilify him as if he's the root of all evil. They disrespect the President, and then have the gall to demand his respect for them. It's okay for them to ignore the Constitution, but not okay for the White House to (in reality, it's not okay for either to do so). It's really kind of FUBAR.
So, until I have a good explanation given to me as to how exactly it is that President Bush is a dimwitted evil genius, a frat boy of questionable intelligence who, paradoxically, somehow managed to single-handedly fabricate convincing evidence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq...well, I'm sticking by my theory as expounded above.
I'm not saying don't make fun of the Prez when he deserves it (he can be his own worst enemy), or to withhold justifiable criticism when it needs to be voiced (sometimes, it needs to be voiced - a lot). I'm just saying think before you speak, 'cause you're coming across as being even dumber than Dubya, or at least dumber than the version of Dubya you're propagating to the world. It's pretty funny, actually.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Thursday, September 06, 2007
God, please fix the AC
Dear God,
Please fix planet Earth's air conditioner.
There are a bunch of people going around saying that the Earth is getting warmer, as if it's some strange thing rather than a natural process that happens every ten to twenty thousand years. But I know the truth, Lord. I know that you're wary of leaving the AC on for too long, like you did back in the day when you left it on, went on vacation, and came back to see that an Ice Age had overtaken your Creation.
I can't say whether leaving the AC on for too long was as bad as not fixing that sprinkler system, which as you know flooded the Earth for some time and led that drunk Noah to build an ark. Some say you let that leak slide on purpose, to teach us a lesson about the importance of water conservation. Be that as it may, you've kept your campaign promise not to flood the entirety of the planet again, though we had a bit of a scare with that tsunami a couple of years ago, not to mention the predicament of New Orleans. I'd like to talk to you about that last situation at another time.
But to get back to the point...Lord, we know we let our room get messy. We leave shit - literally - lying around, and if we get around to picking it up, it's often only after we see a half-naked Indian dude with a tear in his eye crying over what we've done to our home. And we're really not helping the situation by continuing to allow cattle to contribute what some estimate to be 25% of certain greenhouse gas emission from their asses; it seems to me that we should be focusing less on carbon off-setting, and focusing more on bringing about fewer cow farts in the world.
No, I'm not asking for a plague, like the kind you inflicted on the cattle of the Egyptians; I happen to like a steak now and then, so getting rid of the cattle is not something I seek. Perhaps a better ventilation system, one that ranchers and vegetarians could both get behind. Of course, this may involve slapping around a couple of people to get them to acknowledge the threat cow farts pose, but...but I'm getting off track.
I spoke of ventilation before, and this brings me back to my request for you to turn on the planetary air condition system again. God, I was born in a desert. I grew up in the desert. I actually like the heat, to a reasonable degree. But I'm really getting tired of hearing Al Gore warn us about a planetary emergency on the one hand, him being demagogic and all, and then on the other hand writing books about the assault on reason, where he lambastes people - usually Republicans - for using fear as opposed to reason to get his message across (basically, he criticizes people for doing the same thing he's doing).
Of course, it's not just Al Gore I'm tired of; it's the weekly, monthly, daily reports attempting to strike fear into the hearts of all humanity about global warming. All that aside...
All that aside, let's make a deal. You're big on deals, I know it. We can even call it a covenant, if you like. Of course, we can always negotiate on the terms of the deal as I propose it, but before it can be discussed, it needs to be proposed.
Here's what I propose, if it pleases Your Providence: You would turn the AC back on, and we in turn would pledge to keep our rooms a little cleaner. I'll even do my part, and make my bed on a regular basis (or as often as I remember to do it). Also, in exchange for You not raising our utility bills to pay for the increased use of the planetary air conditioning system, maybe we'd do more volunteer work down here, perhaps on behalf of Swedish supermodels, but also perhaps on behalf of people who actually need our help.
How does that sound? Lord, we really need you to turn the AC back on. Or, at least, cut the number of cow farts by...oh, I dunno, half of their current number. Let's see the liberals complain about that one. You cut the cow farts, maybe turn the air conditioning back on for a bit longer than you have been recently, and in return we exercise more, make our beds, and drink less Coke. See, God, I'm a flexible man. I know we can work something out.
Creator of the Universe, in the tradition of Moses, let us dicker. For the good of humanity, for the sake of the children, in the hopes of a better, less smelly tomorrow, let us - humanity - negotiate with You better terms regarding the use (and abuse) of planetary ventilation devices, our upkeep of the planet, and cow anus emissions (CAE).
Remaining, as always, a humble servant of Your Divine Providence,
Jeremy S. Slavin
Please fix planet Earth's air conditioner.
There are a bunch of people going around saying that the Earth is getting warmer, as if it's some strange thing rather than a natural process that happens every ten to twenty thousand years. But I know the truth, Lord. I know that you're wary of leaving the AC on for too long, like you did back in the day when you left it on, went on vacation, and came back to see that an Ice Age had overtaken your Creation.
I can't say whether leaving the AC on for too long was as bad as not fixing that sprinkler system, which as you know flooded the Earth for some time and led that drunk Noah to build an ark. Some say you let that leak slide on purpose, to teach us a lesson about the importance of water conservation. Be that as it may, you've kept your campaign promise not to flood the entirety of the planet again, though we had a bit of a scare with that tsunami a couple of years ago, not to mention the predicament of New Orleans. I'd like to talk to you about that last situation at another time.
But to get back to the point...Lord, we know we let our room get messy. We leave shit - literally - lying around, and if we get around to picking it up, it's often only after we see a half-naked Indian dude with a tear in his eye crying over what we've done to our home. And we're really not helping the situation by continuing to allow cattle to contribute what some estimate to be 25% of certain greenhouse gas emission from their asses; it seems to me that we should be focusing less on carbon off-setting, and focusing more on bringing about fewer cow farts in the world.
No, I'm not asking for a plague, like the kind you inflicted on the cattle of the Egyptians; I happen to like a steak now and then, so getting rid of the cattle is not something I seek. Perhaps a better ventilation system, one that ranchers and vegetarians could both get behind. Of course, this may involve slapping around a couple of people to get them to acknowledge the threat cow farts pose, but...but I'm getting off track.
I spoke of ventilation before, and this brings me back to my request for you to turn on the planetary air condition system again. God, I was born in a desert. I grew up in the desert. I actually like the heat, to a reasonable degree. But I'm really getting tired of hearing Al Gore warn us about a planetary emergency on the one hand, him being demagogic and all, and then on the other hand writing books about the assault on reason, where he lambastes people - usually Republicans - for using fear as opposed to reason to get his message across (basically, he criticizes people for doing the same thing he's doing).
Of course, it's not just Al Gore I'm tired of; it's the weekly, monthly, daily reports attempting to strike fear into the hearts of all humanity about global warming. All that aside...
All that aside, let's make a deal. You're big on deals, I know it. We can even call it a covenant, if you like. Of course, we can always negotiate on the terms of the deal as I propose it, but before it can be discussed, it needs to be proposed.
Here's what I propose, if it pleases Your Providence: You would turn the AC back on, and we in turn would pledge to keep our rooms a little cleaner. I'll even do my part, and make my bed on a regular basis (or as often as I remember to do it). Also, in exchange for You not raising our utility bills to pay for the increased use of the planetary air conditioning system, maybe we'd do more volunteer work down here, perhaps on behalf of Swedish supermodels, but also perhaps on behalf of people who actually need our help.
How does that sound? Lord, we really need you to turn the AC back on. Or, at least, cut the number of cow farts by...oh, I dunno, half of their current number. Let's see the liberals complain about that one. You cut the cow farts, maybe turn the air conditioning back on for a bit longer than you have been recently, and in return we exercise more, make our beds, and drink less Coke. See, God, I'm a flexible man. I know we can work something out.
Creator of the Universe, in the tradition of Moses, let us dicker. For the good of humanity, for the sake of the children, in the hopes of a better, less smelly tomorrow, let us - humanity - negotiate with You better terms regarding the use (and abuse) of planetary ventilation devices, our upkeep of the planet, and cow anus emissions (CAE).
Remaining, as always, a humble servant of Your Divine Providence,
Jeremy S. Slavin
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Thought for the Day
"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."
- President Theodore Roosevelt, in 1910
Good ole' TR.
My favorite parts of the above quote?
1: "It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better."
2: "The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena..."
3: "...who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming..."
4: "...who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause..."
5: "...who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement..."
6: "...who...if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly..."
7: "...his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."
- President Theodore Roosevelt, in 1910
Good ole' TR.
My favorite parts of the above quote?
1: "It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better."
2: "The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena..."
3: "...who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming..."
4: "...who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause..."
5: "...who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement..."
6: "...who...if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly..."
7: "...his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."
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